You define yourself through your actions, not by what you say you are.

I’d argue you define yourself through both.

It’s not a sign of disrespect if someone doesn’t use your preferred pronouns

If you purposefully don’t use their preferred pronouns it is. In much the same way it’s a sign of disrespect to call someone a piece of trash to their face.

it’s that they’re more concerned with you being a good neighbor

You’re being the bad “neighbor” by purposefully using the wrong pronouns, but also, what?