As a woman who occasionally dates men, thanks for sharing this perspective. Oddly, I have found with almost every guy I’ve dated since 2010, that they want to be a father figure or leader or household authoritarian more than they want to be a partner so it’s interesting to hear a guy mention it from this perspective. Perhaps its like the old dancing conundrum (leads say the number one issue is the follower trying to lead and followers say the number one issue is a lack of actual leading).
I think the resource part is sort of right though. I think I’m like that! I’m in my 30s, financially secure, and I have a number of deep and fulfilling friendships, so I absolutely don’t like putting up with anyone that brings more stress than relief into my life. Sex, while fun and all, just isn’t the main goal of any of my relationships, so it’s not even the top factors that weighs in on whether or not I’m putting up with someone. I do expect my partner to be an asset to me in ways other than just sex. Maybe that’s why I’m still single.
I think the point is that young men (at least those on the internet!) are feeling like they don’t understand the lines anymore. It’s a good thing that they’re thinking about it! It’s a failure for society if we can’t help them find a way to navigate it. The conversation around consent has sort of left out how to pursue a successful sexual encounter. We should work on that. It’s because we still don’t like talking about sex, as a society. I’m glad we’re talking about consent more now! But it’s only part of the equation.
Maybe the study is shit, but it’s a window into at least how some young men are feeling. The kind of young men who are most susceptible to the incel culture. If we can find ways to get men away from that path we should.